Pessimistic optimist at your service!

Now I'm not the most positive person on the planet, I'll admit that but I'm definitely not the most negative either. I'm what you could call a pessimistic optimist. Yes, those can exist. It's where you are both in your own way. For me usually, I'm a pessimist on the inside but on the outside I try to keep an optimistic happy vibe going. Basically a typical Virgo where we look like we're under control on the outside but on the inside, dead, dying and done with the world so boost me off this mortal coil now cause I can't do it no more!

And no that's not an exaggeration. I think I've always been that person. I've always tried to be there for people. Be ready to help, do my best, always be a go-getter in a tough situation but I never take myself into account in any of those moments. It's almost as if I do not exist in my world at those times and function only for everyone else around me. That's seriously not healthy.... And don't worry, you don't need to tell me why it's not healthy because I've be self-analysing myself for as long as I can remember. Yea, it's just as bad as googling your symptoms and WebMD telling you that sore area on the roof of your mouth (which you probably burned with your super hot soup) is death coming. See. This is the pesimist in me. But that optimist is also like " yea, we can change. It'll take time and alot of effort but we can change that way of thinking, acting, just doing. You got it girl!" Ugh, just shot me now and be done with it because I'd make great food for the worms.

See what I did there. I did it again. Pessimistic optimist at your service! That ones for free, but soon I'll have to charge. I mean, a girls gotta eat you know.

I don't and won't discourage help and guideance though to calm my mind down and become more aware of myself in those kind of situations though. I like to learn, I like to take advice. And no, don't listen to my fiancé when he says "she's tricking you! She takes no ones advice!!!" I do take advice, sometimes. I have to obviously cross-check it with what I may already know, verify the facts and ways of working and conducting said advice but I do listen. I just may adapt it to fit ME better, if you get my understanding. When it comes to advice taking though, I never take my own advice that I give to others. It's usually advice that comes straight out of the unknown of my black hole and it can be quite good stuff, but I never listen to it myself. Why do I do that? Whats the purpose of giving advice if you can't even follow your own advice to someone to make sure you're on the right track here? I gotta work not that. I'll put that on my list...

My list is a lie. I don't have a list. Unless you count the one in my head. THEN we got a good old beautiful list getting ready to be worked on. There we will be a rolling my friends.

Breaking old bad habits is hard. I don't care much for anyone that says they are the easiest things to shift. Have can they be when you have been doing some of the most likely your whole life?

Like for instants, when I was a child (and I don't know how children become so but it somehow happened), I was a hypochondriac. This one took me years to break but I finally got there and now I joke about it. But at one point it was big to me. It was real and it was a habit that was preventing me from doing and getting out there and living. Every sniffle, cough, slight odd feeling anywhere and I was convinced I was getting sick or dying. I don't know how anyone put up with me and I'm sorry I put you all through that weirdness but here we are now joking that the scratch on my hand is from some crazy unknown bug and I'm moments away from terrible things when I know that really it was the cat when we were playing and I have nothing to worry about over it. I just have to remember those facts as I do tend to forget it's there and then see it at some point and do think "What the fudge? Oh wait....yea, yea it was the cat, nothing to worry about there. Silly me!" Please don't think because I'm joking about it it was easy to break, it wasn't. You have to think after years of thinking "oh fudge, I'm dying!" with every sneeze took great mental strength to tell myself that it was just a sneeze, dust got up your nose it'll pass. And so on with other little things. Habits are what make up some of our personalities but the can change, they don't have to be our final versions. We get the pleasure of being ever evolving, ever changing, learning, growing, seeking, discovering, building.

There she is again. Soon I'm really gonna have to charge you for her appearances. I could have been rich off this bitch is only I was a cunning business women!

I do have to say though, especially since I met my fiancé, I've come along way in believing in myself. I didn't see the woman he sees, ever. Now I'm slowly catching glimpses of those words and I like her. But the problem is, she likes my darker side too. We're gonna be a right pair when we finally merge, aren't we?.....

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